How to rule the world

Disclaimer: Everything in the post is for completely comedic purposes and should not be taken seriously. If by some chance you do take it seriously and use the plans and/or ideas talked about in this and it actually works, I would like some sort of recognition preferably in the monetary form. If the person and/or group that does this is an evil dictator and/or organization, then I ask for a place in your government however if you are overthrown, I will turn on you. Actually, it would be a lot easier if you just give me money because I’m graduating soon and it would be nice to not have to take student loans. If this is the CIA, NSA and all other organizations ending with A (not forgetting the FBI, INTERPOL, and NCIS) and you are considering putting me on a terrorist watch list, please refer to the first sentence of this disclaimer. You’re all watching me anyway and know I’m not a threat.
Have you noticed how every blockbuster movie has evil men trying to take over the world with the States as their primary target—word of advice, when aliens attack, do not go to New York. No offence to the home of the brave and the free but anyone who has even minor knowledge of how the world runs wouldn’t target the them first. Yes, they are a world power but with their current expanding debt and their growing obesity, they would not come into my own personal plan of world domination.
Now I’m not saying that I want to take over the world, don’t get me wrong. I’m just expressing my opinion of how I would do it if I were a powerful, power hungry war mogul who had her mind set on ruling the planet. Lucky for everyone, I’m just a seventeen year old girl who thinks that’s too much work and I have finals in 3 weeks.
So my plan for ruling the world is a mixture of simple political manipulation and simple creative imagination. The first thing I’d do is seize control of the Strait of Hormuz and the Bab el_Mandab, allowing me to control a major oil route and restrict access to many countries. How I will do that, like I said exams are in 3 weeks and I don’t have time to work out the kinks though I figure it will involve me becoming a charismatic leader with a great following—I’m thinking hipsters—and creating a private army. On the other hand,  I could just make it an army of angsty teenage soldiers who will do what I say because first, I’ll kidnap a couple popular icons (Justin Bieber, One Direction, Benedict Cumberbatch, David Tennant, Matt Smith, etc), hold them at gunpoint (or pay them meaning before all this I’ll have to rob a bank) allowing me to use them to use their fan girls. I mean that kind dedication is just what I need when trying to take over the world. I’ll also become friends with Russia (Well it will be more like, “Hey Russia, I’ll give you cheap oil if you do whatever I say” kind of friendship) and employing the use of the military. I would use the States military but they are way too patriotic to let a non American use it so that’s ruled out. 
The next thing I will have do is befriend China( by befriend, I’m talking about the same dealio—did I just say that—that I have with Russia. Then I’ll have China stop financing other countries and the economies of these countries go back into recession. Now of course the other countries will try and stop me, but with the lack of oil, lack of China’s money coupled with the Russia’s nukes, they won’t be able or willing to do much without careful consideration. So I’ll agree to a diplomatic meeting—through video chat because if I meet them in person, they’ll probably try and assassinate me. Also, I think it’s best to never reveal my identity just because if all this fails, they’d never expect a random teenage girl to do all this, and I’ll be good. Anyway, in this diplomatic meeting I’ll promise to let the countries get on with their business, give the oil, money and what not if they sign a treaty giving me absolute power. J
One thing I fail to mention is that I wouldn’t be a crazy-selfish apocalyptic dictator. No, I’d be very good in fixing the world’s problems. I’d hire a very extremist friend of mine, SD, as a director of threat eliminating who will… wow, that’s a whole other issue right there. Then I’ll divide and distribute goods better than they are right now. I mean I know it sounds a little communism-y but it won’t be. It would be like a socialist/imperialistic mixure where everyone will be fed and have adequate opportunities but—you know—you still have to work and stuff. So like Canada but worldwide.
But like I said, “ain’t nobody got time for that,” and my religion exam is gonna be brutal.
Quote of the Post: Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man’s character, give him power.-Abraham Lincoln

Song of the Post: Mad World- Gary Jules